I remember the exact moment I decided to start hating stinging nettles. It was just after my mate
Tezzlar had the worst 10th birthday.
It wasn’t because he didn’t get anything decent, in fact he got a new pair of Puma King football
boots! This was a big deal man. Pelé, Johan Cruff and THE DIEGO MARADONA all wore these
boots. Terrance just got ‘cool’ for his birthday.
During a mandatory game headers and volleys, Tezzlar, keen to mark the occasion with a goal
through the jumpers to last the ages, like his boots former sponsors, lost his footing. The Irony still
haunts him
…and what was there to welcome a 9 year old boy to the 10th year of life? Stingers!
Not just a tinging nettle, but a very mature nettle forest about 3 metres wide. Terry also had shorts on. His new matching shin-pads did nothing to protect him.
On a day that should have sent my mate into the history books as ‘that first kid with those Puma
Kings’, he was known for more than a few years as Stingray, John Nettles and occasionally
‘Bergerac’. Some children can be so cruel…
This memorable win for the mighty stinging nettles filled me with childlike fear about the green
beasts, not helped after more than a few brushes with the old enemy myself, although I never
entered the Hall of Fame like John above.
So when I was exploring our new Cornish cottage garden, I was put on high alert by an army of
swaying nettle patches everywhere. Some bigger than the patch that took our Tez.
But my response wasn’t: “I’m just off to grab some weed killer.” Which was new.
We had recently decided not to use weed killer anymore. After a little reading, we stopped looking
at stinging nettles, dandelions and many other naturally occurring plants as weeds. A mental shift,
based on our new hippy education.
Forget the powerhouse that stinging nettles are for a mo, and just think about how your personal
space would be benefitted from not having weed killers around.
Why should weed killer bother you? Is there evidence that glyphosate is linked to cancer
risk?
Blood Cancer UK Research reports:
In 2015, International Agency for Research on Cancer published a detailed report on glyphosate
and other chemicals, based on a review of about 1,000 studies. Some of the studies looked at
people exposed through their jobs, such as farmers, while others were laboratory studies.
The report found that glyphosate is “probably carcinogenic to humans”. This was based on
“limited” evidence in humans (from real-world exposures) and “sufficient” evidence of cancer in
laboratory experiments with animals (from studies of “pure” glyphosate).
So, yeah I’ve decided I don’t want that completely unnecessary risk in our environment. We don’t
want dogs or kids exposed to a chemical that “probably” causes cancer, for a ‘quick fix’. I
wouldn’t risk buying anything with a “probably” before “carcinogenic to humans”, not when there
are a load of options for the same result without the health risks.
This health first decision, has brought me to the stuff of Terry’s 10 year old nightmare’s. I’m going
to have to do close combat with these big stinging bastards. Time to invest in some garden based
PPE.
Unsurprisingly I was stung on the left arm within the first 30 seconds of nettle pulling. My
embarrassingly clean for the country ‘thorn proof’ gauntlets didn’t protect that soft skin just
around the inside of your elbow. “OUCH, you BASTARD! Bloody Bastard!” etc etc.
Despite my attempts to armour up, my small Achilles heel of exposed skin was overcome with the
venom of a green Trojan Prince called Paris. And it gave me a really unpleasant nerve sensation
for about a week. It felt really uncomfortable.
Each time I showered or brushed my skin, the spicy tingle reminded me of that battle lost. I have
renewed empathy for Tez, and I regret calling you Bergerac. Mostly.
“Best thing that could have happened to you.” Came the voice of my love.
She’d heard my woes and concluded it was for the best, seemingly ignoring my clear explanation
on how painful my elbow was.
She had, apparently been learning that stinging nettles have been used for centuries to tackle
joint pain and inflammation in a rather brave way: by deliberately getting stung—a practice known
as urtication. Yes, people have willingly been doing a ‘Bergerac Bounce’ of their own. For health!
While scientific evidence on this is obviously limited (because Pharma Companies can’t patent
natural ingredients for medicines) there’s evidence that nettle stings might reduce pain through a few mechanisms. These include counterirritation (distracting the brain from deeper aches), anti-
inflammatory effects, and improving localised blood flow. On top of that, some people say that after enough stings, they become less sensitive, as their pain receptors start to settle down over
time. It’s a prickly method, but many seem to swear by it!
So 3 things are true for me when it comes to Stinging Nettles (1) Not even Puma King’s will offset
a wonky playing surface (2) The more I sting myself, the less it hurts and for hardly any time and
(3) Recovering from trauma at any age means facing the worst pains to some degree or other.
Like repeated stinging nettle stings, hanging out with the right Therapist and doing the personal
work not only desensitises the pains, but stops you polluting your own environment with quick
fixes, which cause more harm than good.
Tingly Terry made a full recovery both physically and emotionally, and this time it didn’t turn into a
supervillain origin story. Phew.
Quick game of knock out Wembley anyone?