I don’t subscribe to the idea that the ‘pursuit of happiness’ leads to the ‘happiness’ most would
expect. Let me explain.
When people are asked “what needs to change for you to be happy?” they tend to list stuff
out.
We’ve all got a wish list of sorts. C’mon, you must have an idea of your perfect home, dripped out with your ultimate style? or the best body you’ve ever had, with more money than you can spend? These ‘happiness lists’ focus on a trouble free future, with thoughts of growth and celebration.
You’ll notice how often people’s ‘happy lists’ tend to link the idea of happiness, coming after the stuff has arrived. Happiness is the last to their party (and often the first to leave).
You’ll likely notice from conversations like these, that people’s lists tend to exclude problems and
pain. “I’ll be happy when {issue} is gone” they say.
It’s a fantasy.
“People with surplus money are substantially happier that those living in poverty or the homeless”
you’ll say, and I’ll agree. Who doesn’t crave financial stability Vs. financial turmoil?
Money = options
When a person has their basic needs taken care of – what then needs to change to bring them
happiness? Are people happy because of owning stuff, or is it the feelings this new stuff gives
them?
I’ve faced running out of money and experienced the impending dread being broke brings. I’ve
also been balling, and this brings feelings of certainty, possibility and excitement.
Cash has never been the elixir of happiness and being happy isn’t a linear journey a person
decides to go on, levelling up until they win the grand prizes they’ve predicted.
I’m working on (and I much prefer) ‘the pursuit of peace’. Peace, for me naturally comes before
happiness, but it’s intelligently linked. Peace, like genuine happiness is an inside job, as they say.
I don’t think many people objectively believe happiness is a constant. Life is complex and comes
at us fast. Very little remains the same in 24 little hours.
Our experience includes these awful mandatory moments where peace isn’t exactly how you’d
say you were feeling, you know?
No-one is exactly full of peace and happiness when grieving the loss of a loved one. But in time,
peace can return. For example, you may allow yourself to focus on a stunning late summer
Cornish sunset, witnessing the clear blue sky, change to warm orange and dusky pinks. This
could bring genuine peace back to you, as you remember how you enjoyed sunsets just like this
one together. You might upset yourself, but then in turn remember things they used to say to you.
Some peace can be found, even in relationships on pause.
For peace and therefore happiness to be genuine, we have to accept that it’s going to come in
moments. Like a nice period of weather doesn’t last, but in the storm we know what comes next.
Aka ‘this too shall pass’.
So I’m hunting out moments, that I can be peaceful in, or at least feel that I’m on the road to
peace.
Because moments of peace come and go, but I’ve noticed how quickly they can stack up. For
example over this weekend, happiness was egg shaped, in the literal sense (finally the title makes
sense).
On Sunday morning, I realised just how much the pace of my life has changed and how peaceful
some of the new moments have been as I walked up the middle of a standard Cornish country
lane, with £5 in my pocket and my lovely doggo sniffing everything. The early autumn morning
was completely still and the rolling, sheep lined hills were clear for miles.
When I got to one of our remote neighbours honesty egg box, I was pleased to see the chickens
had been going for gold. “Never seen so many eggs in the box” I explained to the dog as he was
deciding what to sniff / pee on next.
18 ‘better than free range’ eggs for £4.50!
As I was holding 18 eggs in 3 egg boxes, about to start the walk off, the automatic garage door
started rolling up, about 5 metres in front of me.
It went; brown shoes, blue jeans, brown checked shirt…“Morning!” seemed to be an appropriate
ice breaker.
“Morning” came the Cornish voice to match the aforementioned outfit.
I held up the eggs, pointed at the cash tin and said “fiver in the box mate”, adding, “my wife said
these are the most orange yolks she’s ever seen.”
“That’s the solar” he immediately explained, “we’ve got our chickens solar powered houses and
since then, they’ve started laying higher quality eggs”, the egg man continued.
We got to know each other briefly, agreed on some important rural issues, and wished each other
a nice day.
“How cool is that?” I asked the dog when I was out of earshot of the egg guy obvs. The walk back
made me fill up with feelings of peace. My thoughts were basic; ‘I just purchased high quality,
locally laid eggs, which puts cash in my neighbours pocket. He’s cool, so he increases the welfare
of his chooks, which makes me feel pretty good tbh. This is getting so green, I might register
myself as a B Corp…
There really is something right about buying a local product, which makes human and animal lives
better. Peace man.
As our cottage came into view, the early morning sun pierced the clouds, casting nature’s
spotlights onto our beautiful Southern Cornish views. Bliss.
The peace of this morning really did come from a desire for eggs on toast.
It made me reflect and feel a little sad for myself even as recently as a year ago. I wouldn’t have
had this experience. I know I would have huffed about not having eggs, huffed about having to risk a walk, not knowing if there would even be eggs upon arrival – I would have been pre-
annoyed, acted like a bit of a nob, and risked setting up a bit of a shite morning, if not day.
Back then I was in the battle of my life. I was trying to free myself from a life I hadn’t planned, in
favour of a future, prize. One that I needed like air; genuine peace. Couldn’t fake it anymore dear
reader.
In my search for help, I’d read it’s impossible to be pissed off and grateful at the same time. This
simple fact about the state we choose for ourselves changed much. Being intentional about what
I want to focus on and, what it means to me, is beautifully simple. Very peaceful. Works too.
I can’t change a single detail about what caused me to live with complex trauma. That’s why
those of us fortunate enough to be alive are called survivors. So, my choice is simple; deciding
what to focus on, and then, decide what that means me. It’s intentional self care. It’s new, it’s
unnerving and I like it.
I’m not the first person with complex trauma to choose grateful over angry but when I do it, good
things happen, and that would be mental to ignore.
Peace wells up in me, for me.
Sometimes it can feel too much, that I (like so many survivors) have faced the same abyss like
decision. Will I use what happened to me for evil or good? Will I break the cycles of abuse or
continue them?
Choose good, choose peace. Love wins.
I won’t regurgitate the research (like most of my blogs haha), but even a quick google search for
“scientific evidence for gratitude” will show practicing gratitude is amazing for us. With proven
neurological benefits such as dopamine and serotonin being released. That’s the stuff the Dr
can’t prescribe!
Sunday was a lovely day, packed with love and laughter after a breakfast of ‘better than free
range’ eggs on Cornish white sourdough, golden Cornish butter, sprinkled with Cornish sea salt.
Can’t help but think…“I chose that.”
Peace.