Overview:
Total hike & filming time: 3hrs 30 mins (ish)
New boots: Insane comfort, useless in a life or death sprint
Dangerous animal encounters: 3
Falls: 1
Times laughed at by a farmer: 1
There are two types of happiness when hiking…the first is immediate (nice view, glad I brought a chocolate bar, these boots are great etc) and the second happiness is discovered when not feeling happy (wet, muddy, fell over panicking about nearby cows etc)..
The delayed second happiness comes in the form of warm clothes, tea, cake and the quickly fading memory of recent hiking discomfort(s).
But you probably already knew this.
I got to Rough Tor Car Park and aside from a single camper van (still sleeping), I was alone.
I put on my new Meindl Vakuum GTX hiking boots, which mould to your foot as they warm up. Spanking!
I had a lovingly made tea and breakfast bar in the backpack and I’d eaten an apple. How much more prepared for this 4.5 mile hike could I be???
The sun was starting to pierce through the last chills in the shadows to reveal a glorious morning walking up hill on Bodmin F’ing Moor! “Shit cows”
…right on the footpath half way up Rough Tor. Man, I didn’t even know I was nervous of cows. Arse! They are big buggers on the moor and had some calf’s among them, so I know enough to walk the long way around.
Even giving them tons of room, some still look intensely in my direction as I pass by. “Phew, didn’t seem too much drama,”, I silently celebrated in my head.
As I was heaving towards to peak of Rough Tor, gasping for breath, the view unfurled. Stunning.
I found a rocky spot and set up for a 5 min meditation video at this Tor’s summit. I had a cuppa, and naturally started breathing deeply looking across the South of God’s own Country.
My only companion was a ram, who clearly hated my presence. In hindsight it could have been jealousy. I’d packed a memory foam biddy garden kneeling pad, which I was smugly sitting on enjoying a cup of Cornish Tea!
I set up and recorded a 5 minute meditation, with some lovely Spring time song birds, and sheep baa’s. It’s here if you need a quick chill:
After a 5 minute (ish) stop, I plotted a visual path from the top of Rough Tor, down to the Vally between Rough Tor and Brown Willy, across the De Lank River, hop a fence, hike Brown Willy.
Fun fact: The De Lank River starts as runoff from Rough Tor Marsh between Bodmin Moor’s Rough Tor and Brown Willy, flowing 9 miles through wild moorland and ancient woods to join the River Camel near St Breward. It’s a haven for otters and diverse wildlife, part of the Camel Special Area of Conservation, though it’s not famed in stories or songs…yet.
As I hopped the fence, and saw the pathway up to the summit of BW, I was met with…more big cows, only they were smack bang in the middle of the narrow pathway up to the top.
As someone who identifies as ‘scared of sharks’, it’s terrifying to know that Between 2018 and 2022, the average person in the UK was 15,416% more likely to be killed by a cow than a shark (globally, not on Bodmin obvs).
I plotted another visual path, wide and to the left. Bit more tricky, but very respectful I thought. Trouble was it was a bit marshy and also covered in granite rocks, considerately disguised as soft grass mounds.
With the above facts swirling around my mind, and now some short breathing,somewhat predictably, I fell over, whilst looking over at the biggest cow on the adjacent footpath. I went down hard, backpack full of gear and tea, I landed on a soft grass mound granite rock with grass on. Hands bleeding, knees hurting, and a wet elbow, didn’t stop me jumping up into a fighting stance to tackle the charging cow, who surely would take this mistake as a chance to attack…Nope, it was in the same spot, chewing. Not moved an inch. Don’t I feel like a Brown Wally.
It seemed the cows were pacifists, and not aware of their deadly abilities to a slow moving morning hiker. Phew, on to the top. Feet still loving life.
Sheep looked nonchalantly at my gleeful, red face as I got towards the very top of Cornwall. Nothing like this view, from my new home County. Here is the 5 minute meditation I recorded up there:
I felt massive and tiny all at the same time as I sipped Cornish Tea, and sat in silence for about 5 minutes. Took a few goofy selfies and plotted the course back from this beautiful half way point in the hike.
As I started to walk down, the cows were still there bang in the middle of the natural pathway back, “this time, I’ll go around them, but the opposite side, not falling over again”.
As I got about level with the biggest beefy bastard, still a good 50 metres between us – it mooed directly at me. F word…
I looked across and it did it again, and then moved towards me. First time in all this time that behemoth has moved and it’s walking at me.
I looked to the fence line at the bottom of BW, keeping these tasty terrorists in, and thought “I should run as fast as I can to that, Berthas is picking up the pace all of a sudden.
The problem with this cobbled together escape plan, was the ruddy new boots. They don’t exactly work like trainers, so I minced as fast as I could towards the gate.
Honestly, it felt intentional how Bertha was mooing and marching towards me, now (thanks to turbo mincing) she was behind me.
Bertha’s mooing had encouraged the herd to walk at me from behind, and at an increasing pace. I panicked and legged it.
The boots made me run like Forrest Gump (the kid version) but I didn’t care, I was full of spicy adrenaline and made it atop the gate, breathing heavy to say the least.
As the cows all came to the fence, a quad based farmer appeared around the path from Rough Tor. “Mornin, wasson?” (Aka: Good morning, What’s on? Or how are you?)
Can you imagine, I just said (whilst still heavy breathing) “I’ve just nearly been killed by those cows mate…”
Quad rider: “Ha ha ha haha”
Me: “eh?”
Quad rider: “these coows don’t care about you, I come every day at this time with corn”
Me: “you weren’t there man”
Quad rider: (hysterical laughter)
Me: “Cows DO kill people every year ya know?”
Quad rider: “Yeah, not for corn though, have a nice walk.”
The hike after that seemed tame, I’d defo peaked.
It was beautiful hike, with a couple of 5 minute meditation videos for those who fancy a little Kernow Calm.
My first Hike up Brown Willy felt good. Worth the early start! Didn’t see any swallows but am now a Cow attack survivor…